Why am I not excited? Why don't I feel all nostalgic while some of my friends have been counting increments of how much of a fraction of a doctor we all have been up until this point? Why can I not smile about it?
I look beyond internship and notice the people around. I've said how much in love I've been with general surgery, but now I have my doubts. Does that cripple me? No. It's reassuring and somewhat refreshing to know I don't have to pressure myself to do what it is I've loved in the past based on but a few months of time in the operating theatres. But then again, I haven't stepped foot as an assistant in an operating theatre for quite some time now.
Maybe it's delayed gratification. The people around me seem to be doing so well. I've got dreams like everyone else; but unlike some people, they seem to remain as dreams.
I bought myself a car less than two weeks ago: my gift to myself for all the years of 2-3 jobs and university studies. I was so excited and so happy but now, I feel like I don't deserve it. What have I done? Should I have saved the money for a house or a share portfolio? Perhaps a holiday? It's the largest loan I've taken out for myself and it'll take me at least 3-4 years to pay it off. It also puts even more pressure on me doing extra hours next year.
Somehow I've set myself up to work like a dog, more so than I've ever done. My weekend job's boss contacted me to work 7 days a week before the Christmas break, which I agreed to and they have also asked me to stay on as a relief on-call person should the need arise for support on the weekends, so long as it does not conflict with my responsibilities as an intern next year. So the potential of two jobs will still be on the debating table. Not to mention the lecturing will continue and I have no idea how medical administration will react to all these "extra-commitments". At the same time, will I be able to cope?
Then there's that problem about whether the masters of surgery coursework is a good idea. I want to do it so I have something under my belt other than a medical degree, which these days is inadequate on its own in a worthy application for specialist training.
There's so much stress and I'm not sure what I should be feeling. My girlfriend and I have organised an overseas trip for 12 days during the new year period and I'll be back a week before I start work. I'm stressed about whether I'll have my life organised in a week. I'm worried about the trip; whether it will go smoothly or not. I'm afraid of flying.
Maybe I'm just having a bad run. I feel sick and I can't sleep. I just need to breathe and focus on one problem at a time.
One at a time.